Big Fat...

Negative : ( I couldn't wait and I tested Wednesday. It was negative and this morning my period came right on schedule. Yay for predictability I guess, but what a let down. My body was just messing with me. All the nausea, exhaustion and boob fullness was for nothing. I was so disappointed and even cried a little (okay, a lot) this morning. This cycle is a bust and I know there is always next cycle, but I am still sad and wondering why it didn't happen this time. For whatever reason it didn't and I want to look toward the future and the next time we can try again. So today I can be sad and disappointed and tomorrow is a new day. That's all I have for today.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Big Week Ahead

Two posts in one day, crazy I know! Since there's only 10 days left in the month, I figure why not? Each month I say I'm going to get better at blogging and each month happens by and I don't. What is your secret? How do you do it? I certainly enjoy reading other's blogs, but can't seem to discipline myself enough to write my own. Maybe July will be different?

This week is most of the usual, dinner tonight at my mom's, dinner Tuesday at mother-in-law's, running errands, cleaning, laundry and possibly taking a home pregnancy test (HPT)!!! I say possibly because my period is supposed to come on Friday and if it does not, I will take the HPT. I actually want to take it right now, but am afraid. What if its negative? What if its positive? I am 10 days past ovulation today, so it really is too soon (or so I am telling myself). I have been experiencing nausea since Saturday, but am also wondering if my mind/body are playing tricks on me.

If it is negative and I get my period, then we try again next month. If it is positive, I will be excited, but also cautiously optimistic. I think until our baby is here, in our arms, and we get the all clear, I will be guarded. I will do my best not to stress out because I know that is not good for baby, but I think it is a natural reaction for anyone who has experienced loss before. To want something so much and know you might not get it this time either is tough, but I will deal with it the best way I can. By surrounding myself with a great support system and remembering to breathe and relax. Wish me luck and I'll keep you updated!

We Have a Playroom!

After some talking we decided to turn our theater room into Ayden's playroom. His toys were taking over our living room and we wanted a safe area for him to play in. David was a bit sad at having to say goodbye to the red walls and black ceiling, but he was a trooper and I'm glad we made the change. Having an area for Ayden where I can leave him to do laundry, fix dinner and not have to worry he'll get into something he shouldn't is so nice!

Here's the room before:

It took three coats of primer on the ceiling and walls, red & black are not so easy to cover up:

We chose a color called Surfer Waves at Lowe's. I thought it was a nice calming blue color, then it went up on the walls:

It isn't horrible, but not the color I was expecting. I love the mat we have down on the floor. Now I need to decorate the walls. Any suggestions?

June Already?

I can't believe the year is half over. How does time go by so fast? At the end of the month we'll have been married for two years! Not sure what we'll be doing on our anniversary but hopefully a vacation will be in our future. We haven't gone anywhere since our honeymoon, so I think we're due.

A lot has happened in the last month. I have walked faithfully at least four days a week and usually it is five. I am loving it! It is so nice that three days a week I have someone to walk with and then the other two days Ayden and I get out and walk. We have had a lot of rain lately so some days were a wash, but it looks like the weather is making a turn for the better. Hopefully the sun will keep shining and the weather will stay warm.

I have also been better at eating healthier foods. I am really trying not to bring junk food into the house and if I do want something I make sure to buy a small portion not a big bag of candy or cookies or whatever I may be craving. We have an East Coast Custard store at the end of our street. David and I have said if we want to go there, we will walk. I don't know how far it is but I'm guessing at least 3/4-1 mile. I am trying to get all the processed food out of our house and once it is gone I am going to start us on a healthy fresh food track. Now that it is summer, it should be easier to accomplish this with all the farmer's markets and fruit/veggies that are in season. I need to start cooking more meals at home. D is always asking when I'm going to start cooking, well D, it will begin soon! The payoff for all of this change? I've lost 4 pounds! I'll take it.

The other exciting thing is that this is our first month we will be trying for baby #2 again. I am nervous and excited and have a bunch of thoughts running through my mind. I'm trying not to stress about all the ifs, but its hard. I will just take one day at a time and put my faith in God that it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

I also had a birthday this week. Another year older and I am having a hard time with this one. I had a wonderful birthday weekend though. I got a mani and pedi, we went to the wineries with some friends, had dinner with my mom, grilled out and I got to sleep in on my birthday. That was heavenly! All in all, life is good and I'm ready to see what the month of June and the rest of the year will bring.

Sock Monkeys!

Wow, I've been a neglectful blogger. Hopefully I will get back in the swing of things soon. I said I would talk about Ayden's Sock Monkey themed party, so here we go. We have always called A "monkey" & knew I wanted that to be his theme for his first birthday. I figured monkeys should be easy to find in stores, guess what it isn't. They have zoo animal themes and farm animal themes (um hello-I didn't know monkeys were part of a farm, but was told about this theme when looking for monkey items). So I began my search online. I found Curious George themed items but wasn't crazy about them. Then I went to Etsy and what do you know Sock Monkeys came up on my radar and I loved the colors (red, brown and cream) and of course the sock monkey.

I decided to make the invites myself. That was easy enough: Jokerman font and clip art and you have an invite:

Then I needed to find decorations to match the theme. On Etsy I found this shop: PartiesByHardie and she had a printable sock monkey party that she sends you the pdf file and you print and design what you want. The perfect thing? The clip art I used on the invite was in the package. All I had to do was buy cream card stock, ribbon and a circle cutter. I had the rest of the supplies at home. Here are some of the things I did:

Banner:

Goody bags: How cool is this? Target had mini sock monkeys so that is what the kids who came to our party left with. I put the thanks yous on.

We also got Ayden a big sock monkey:

Some other pictures from the party Ayden's birthday cake:

Ayden has his mommy's sweet tooth!

We also got A a birthday plate on Etsy from thewildbaby

I still can't believe A is one! The past year has been amazing and I love watching my little guy grow.

Update

How is it May already? I can't believe it! It has been a busy week and a half. So I will just do a little catch up. First of all I was a bit optimistic that I would just snap out of the fact I miscarried the next day. What was I thinking? I knew better but was trying to be optimistic. Friday (April 22nd) was a rough day and for most of the weekend I felt pretty low. Easter Sunday though I woke up, the sun was shining and I knew we'd have a good day. We went to mass and then my mom came over and we ate the food out of the blessed basket. A tradition we have every year. Then we relaxed for a bit and went to my brother-in-law's house for dinner. It was nice to be around family and Ayden had a great day.

Then last week I was gearing up for Ayden turning one! I still can't believe he's a year old. How did that happen and how did time go by so quickly? He turned one on Wednesday April 27th. We had a great day. We went to a mom's group where they had cupcakes for Ayden. Then we chilled out at home and when David came home we went out to dinner and then came back for cupcakes. Ayden loved it. He definitely got a sweet tooth from his mom.

Friday was another important birthday in our household, David's. David took Thursday & Friday off so we had a four day weekend with him. It was so nice. For his birthday we hung out and then went over to his mom's for dinner and cake. Then Saturday was Ayden's party. I'll do a separate post for that since I am waiting on some pictures from other people. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun and everything turned out great.

Other stuff that has been happening, I got my period on Friday. It was bittersweet. I am glad it came but at the same time it reminded me of what we lost. The good news is now we can try for baby #2 again, although we are going to wait for another month. David and I talked last night and trying again right now seems too soon. So we will wait until I get my next period and try again. Which seems so surreal. I am excited and scared.

Waiting also gives me a month to get back on track with eating and exercising. I am 30 pounds up from my pre-pregnancy weight. I know this and looking in the mirror I am not happy but I think I had a skewed sense of how I looked. Seeing pictures of me from Easter and Saturday, I NEED to do something. I can't keep doing what I am doing. I am definitely doing better with eating, it is the exercising that is my problem. I want to be outdoors and unfortunately all it does here is rain and is still cold some days. I joined a stroller walking group that I can go to 3 days a week, so I just need to exercise myself the other 2 days. I can do that. Plus weekends with the family will include walks. So today I am starting to get my mind and body in a better place and work towards a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. Wish me luck!

Closure

This morning I had my two week follow up appointment and as I expected I did miscarry. I think there was a tiny part of me that hoped this was all a bad dream and things would be fine but seeing an empty uterus put an end to that quickly. My doctor was great and supportive, said no surgery was needed and as soon as I get my first period, we can try again. That was my silver lining to what has been a long two weeks. It is kind of ironic that today was a bright and sunny day. It has been raining here since Saturday and today I woke up to blue skies and the sun shining. It was also raining the day I lost the baby. I'm taking it as a sign that things will get better and we will get pregnant again.

I was doing pretty good this week until last night. I was at a meeting for a women's group I belong to and as my friend and I were walking out she says to me "So when are you due?" I lost it and told her I had a miscarriage. She had a miscarriage when she first started trying to have kids and now she has two beautiful babies, a boy and a girl 15 months apart. She just hugged me tight and let me cry. After I pulled myself together, she told me to let her know how the appointment went. I cried some more on the way home and got a pit in my stomach about today. I emailed her and let her know what happened and she wrote me back and said her little peanut greeted my little peanut when he/she arrived in heaven. I lost it for a bit and she even sent me beautiful flowers with an angel in them. I will put pictures in at the end of this post.

So for today I am allowing myself to cry, get angry and figure out what I am feeling. I bought myself some of my favorite cheese and a bottle of wine. Tonight when Ayden goes to sleep, I will enjoy a glass with some cheese and crackers. Tomorrow is a new day and I will begin the process of moving on.